RELATIONSHIP Q & A
"We don’t promise to tell you what you want to hear, but
we do guarantee a fresh perspective and to tell it like it is!" Julie and Josh Max |
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Josie in Detroit writes: "I have this incredible boyfriend who insists on PDA's -- and I don't mean the hand held device used for keeping your contacts and calendar in order! I am talking about "Public Displays of Affection." At first I thought it was sexy -- who doesn't want to have a boyfriend who adores every inch of her curvy body? But, as our relationship has grown, so has his need for a little "Grab and Tickle" in every conceivable location -- restaurants, movies, on the bus, the bookstore, the coffee shop -- things even heated up in our local Walmart one evening and I was sure that they were going to announce over the loud speaker, "Can the couple in aisle 5 please get a room!" Things are really getting out of hand -- no pun intended -- can you help this desperate Diva in Detroit?"
Sincerely, Josie O |
Josh Weighs In...
Dear Josie,
There are two points to ponder here; one is recognizing the power of biology, and the other is having the courage to communicate your truth to your beloved. Hormones run the beginning of most romantic relationships. At the outset, you're drunk on each other. You've both got someone to touch and kiss and peck and coo at, just like two little doves. You've got someone to call, someone to listen to your triumphs and setbacks, and someone to sleep with and hold you. Your body is being flooded with wonderfully addictive chemicals that get you high and "in love", and you want to feel that way forever.
Your boyfriend loves your curves, but on some level he also wants the world to know "I got me a woman! This is mine! Ain't I something? Don't touch, by the way." You, of course, want to know you are loved and appreciated on more than the biological level, and you want to be respected as well as respectful of people on buses or at Walmart who may not be comfortable watching a woman be felt up.
That means having a conversation. GULP! It's tough, especially in the beginning of a relationship when your hearts are aflutter and everything seems to be going so wonderfully, to say "I don't like what you said" or "I don't like what you did."
But say it you must, because on some level you resent being pawed in public, and it's up to you to either eat your resentment---and resentment doesn't digest well---or clear your throat when the two of you are alone and say something like, "I need to talk to you about something. It's really a little thing and I almost hate to bring it up, but there's something on my mind. I need you to practice a little restraint when we're in public." If he's any kind of mature adult, he'll understand. We men are used to instructions. He may need to be told more than once.
Good luck!
Josh
Julie Weighs In...
Josie,
How many women would love to have your problem!
I joke, of course, but your feelings are no laughing matter. In order to have a realistically sound relationship, both partners must feel comfortable and constantly work together to meet each other’s needs.
I remember when Josh and I first started dating…the heat! We couldn’t get enough of one another, and a few things you said actually sounded a little familiar! I was so hungry for someone to adore my curves, and he was so glad to find someone that, in his words, was like his fantasy come true, like dating a playboy bunny would be for other guys. Josh was the one who busted my reality wide open; prior to meeting him, I thought my figure would be something a partner would forgive me for or be willing to look beyond, I had no concept of that being someone’s idea of a bombshell. Part of my path to accepting my own curves was Josh’s enthusiasm for them. He saw me for what I really was and allowed me to burst forth and embrace myself for who I really was. I was always pretty confident as a person, just not necessarily in the love department, and Josh’s demonstrative adoration of my curves sparked a new outlook and new feelings. I began to see myself as he saw me, and it allowed us to be even more passionate with each other.
I remember, too, walking through the streets of New York or through Central Park together, people looking at us, sometimes practically staring. No doubt we had the glow of new love on our faces, but there was something within us shouting out to the world: “We’re together and we’re in love! And yes, a full-flavored gal can get a man, and he prefers her this way!” I thought of this reading your note, that your guy may be trying to show the world the passion that he feels for you. And you may find his forwardness somewhat flattering and not want to necessarily turn down the heat where and when it’s appropriate.
But communication is key. If you’re not comfortable, then the depth of your relationship will be limited. Let’s face it, at some point, every relationship has to grow beyond the physical attraction, or it fades and you’ll seek out the next physically attractive partner. If you’re not communicating, then this will eventually get in the way of your growth as a couple. You may not feel like you can be honest because you don’t want him to be any less enthusiastic about you, or think that you don’t enjoy his passion toward you. Not to fear, it’s not all or nothing. If you communicate, I’m sure you can harmonize together to find a balance for your physical feelings, both behind closed doors and when out in the real world. Tell him what makes you heat up, and at what point you begin to feel uncomfortable. Maybe you can develop some signals to each other, or maybe you can even light his fire by telling him you want to “take it inside”. It’s all about your boundaries, but since everyone is different, he won’t know what those are unless you tell him. Getting the conversation started, especially about the physical isn’t always easy, but once you get it started, you may be surprised at what you learn about each other..you’ll probably learn some new things about him too!
Most likely your conversation will bring you closer together and allow your relationship to grow into its next level. Then you can enjoy the fire and passion along with the closeness that your honesty will bring.
Let us know how things develop!
Julie |
