Two weeks ago I returned from a photo shoot in New York to find that my house was practically empty. In my absence my husband of nearly two years and the father of my 10 month old son packed all of his belongings and left. I held my breath as I surveyed the damage knowing that I was experiencing one of the most painful moments of my life. The reality of abandonment is a nightmare. I looked around devastated at the empty rooms knowing that only my love for my 10 month old son can fill them.
I am now a single mother. Yet, I am part of a long chain of countless women who are without mates. So many amazing women have drawn upon resources of strength that I am sure they did not even know existed within themselves. Over 40% of single mothers live below the poverty level. These courageous women juggle earning enough at their jobs in order to pay daycare and all of the household bills while still parenting. In tandem with the monumental undertaking of survival with my baby, I must deal with the emotional devastation in order to pick up the pieces and walk this new journey.
At this crossroads I can either be a victim or empower myself. The first step to recovering from this blow is, surprisingly, acceptance. That does not mean that I am condoning my husband’s behavior, it means that I am realistically looking at my life, taking stock and owning all of my feelings. It is tempting to stuff my emotions with food as I have done so often in the past but I realize that is unhealthy behavior. I choose to feel all of these uncomfortable, painful feelings and go through an appropriate process of mourning my relationship. I have found that if I allow myself to experience my feelings, then they have less power over me and I can let them go. At times the job of parenting requires me to appropriately shelve my devastation and resentment in order to focus on the nurturance of my son. Yet, it empowers me to make quiet time for myself daily in order to honor my healing process no matter how difficult.
When I am feeling depressed there are tools that I rely upon so I do not self medicate with unhealthy behaviors. These tools are universal and can be used in anyone’s healing process. Most importantly is my faith and belief that I am guided and loved by a higher power. I give it to God, my higher power. Thereafter, I try to balance assertive behaviors in the world with inner exploration. |
Alexandra and her son...
First, I reach out to my support system which can be composed of a network of family, friends, minister, counselor, therapist or support group. Even when I do not feel like it, I try to get out by exercising, eating properly, playing at fun activities, doing charity work in my community or taking a class in order to expand myself. I balance these activities by going inward through meditation, journaling, reading books that take me on a journey and even self-exploring crafts. The bottom line is about honoring where you are and what you need.
Life does not always go the way that we expect. These surprises can be painful but that does not mean that we cannot squeeze ‘the gift’ or lesson out of each situation. I know one gift that is emerging already for me is my faith. Woody Allen said,”90% of life is just showing up.” So no matter how much I want to stay in bed and pull up the covers when faced with reality, I know that my personal power will grow if I own where I am, what I am feeling and begin creating anew.
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